


Ne me Quitte Pas

by louise_lux



Series: Ne me Quitte pas [1]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-09
Updated: 2012-04-09
Packaged: 2017-11-03 09:05:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/379659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louise_lux/pseuds/louise_lux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the journey is over, Hakkai leaves. Gojyo has to work out what to do next.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ne me Quitte Pas

'What? You're going off with that stinking monk?'  
  
'Gojyo. I must.'   
  
Hakkai's words were soft and final.   
  
'What about--'  
  
 _Me_  almost fell off the end of his tongue but he got it back before it could ruin everything. Because why would he say that? They had no agreement, nothing had been said. Only, Gojyo had never seen his future without Hakkai in it. Panic turned in his gut. He was being  _left_.   
  
'Hakkai--' he began, then stopped. He didn't know what to say. One thing he wasn't going to do was beg to be taken along, whining like a kid. No way. 'When are you coming back?'   
  
The words sounded so small and quiet and, knowing he was unable to keep them in, he'd meant them to be loud and careless. Sick and horribly exposed, he wanted to shut his eyes and stop up his ears so he didn't have to hear 'never'.   
  
Hakkai moved around the small room, folding his things and gathering them into a small pile on the bed.  
  
'I don't know,' he said, folding a pair of socks so tightly that the cotton creaked. 'Sanzo hasn't said.'  
  
'I don't believe this. You're just going, now?'  
  
The packing was soon finished. Gojyo ran through his options. Short of tying Hakkai to a chair, he couldn't think of anything that might force him to stay. In any case, he didn't want to force Hakkai to do anything.  
  
'Gojyo.' Hakkai smiled at him again and his eyes were soft and sad. He picked up his bag, his hands gripping tight around the worn leather handles. 'Please take care of yourself. Try not to smoke too much. The man comes to empty the waste bins on Friday mornings. You can contact us through the temple at Chang'An, but it may take a while to reach us. I don't know if I'll be able to reply, but I would like very much to know how you're keeping.'   
  
 _Don't go_  was the only thing he wanted to say, maybe adding  _you stupid bastard_ , but he didn't say it, because who was he to ask that of Hakkai? Hakkai must have his reasons for leaving. He wouldn't just be going because that bastard monk wanted him to. Would he?   
  
'Just go,' he said, instead, pulling the door open. His hand went to Hakkai's shoulder as if to push him out, but instead his fingers squeezed hard, feeling the muscle and bone through his shirt and the heat of skin where it was exposed above his collar. His thumb brushed it very slightly.  
  
'Goodbye, Gojyo.'   
  
Hakkai paused, then leaned forward and quickly kissed him on the side of his face.   
  
Gojyo shut the door and leaned back against it, trying to ignore the sound of Hakkai's footsteps fading away and the rumble of Jeep's engine as it got fainter. Sliding down, he buried his face in his arms and stayed that way until it got dark. Then he went out and got very drunk.  
  
*  
  
For a while, Gojyo carried on as before. He picked up his old life as if he'd never dropped it. He was only twenty-eight and still looked good even with the faint wrinkles around his eyes and temples that seemed to be getting a little higher. 'Baldy,' he whispered to himself in the mirror one day and then had to turn away, clenching his hands.   
  
Women were still willing, except it was even harder to face another night of empty sweet-talking. He couldn't drink quite so much without getting a bad hangover these days, but he was as good at poker as ever. He made a living. It was no life though, and he knew it.  
  
One day, sitting at his kitchen table late at night, the bare bulb casting a harsh light into the grotty corners, showing up the scuffs on the lino and the tea and coffee stains, he made a plan. It was quite simple. He'd move. If he got away from here, things would be better. He'd change. Already it was becoming easier to be alone again, he told himself.  
  
When Hakkai had first left, the silence had been painful and he'd seemed to live in the middle of an empty space, even in noisy bars or out on the street. But truthfully, things had been going wrong even before that. Things had begun going wrong after Goku had-- When Goku had gone.  
  
How funny that he'd never cried about that. He couldn't remember if Sanzo had or not, but he couldn't imagine him doing such a thing. Stupid to be crying about it now. Tears burnt in the corners of his eyes and he thought of Jien and that idiot Kamisama who let himself die and how Goku had made them carry on fighting. He rubbed at his face and swore at himself. If Hakkai were here now-- well it wouldn't be so bad if Hakkai were here. Fucker. Gojyo looked at the cheap, ugly room with its dusty, old-fashioned bed and table and chair and hated it.   
  
He got thrown out a few days later when his landlady discovered the remains of a fire in the backyard and that Gojyo's room had been stripped of every last stick of furniture.   
  
So he'd decided. He was going to move on. No point waiting here for someone who might never come back. If he made enough money at cards, he could save it properly this time instead of blowing it on booze and cigs and girls. He could get a decent place, get someone to teach him to read and write better. Maybe even get a proper job that paid steady money. It sounded boring. It sounded good, too. A safe, quiet place of his own and so what if he was alone? That kind of life, it could lead to meeting someone you wanted to stick with.   
  
 _You already did and look what happened_  
  
There was a rickety old bus, painted a bright green with hard wooden seats, which passed through from time to time. No one seemed quite sure of its route, not even the driver. It just went, rumbling along the little country roads, surrounded by unpopulated land and empty fields. That was fine by Gojyo. He got on, feeling a spark of the old thrill of adventure, and a day or two later got off again, hundreds of miles down the road.   
  
It was a much bigger town; grey, damp and smelly in the morning drizzle. A skinny, mangy dog nosed in the gutter and snarled at him as he walked past. He got a room that was painted with beige walls and filled with tatty furniture, just like the stuff he'd set fire to. He spent his days sitting in bars and wandering the streets, until days stretched to weeks. Everyone he met seemed to be either rude, or ugly, or stupid or all of them at once, so he stopped going out, but sitting in his room staring at the walls was worse and after the third week he wondered if it was possible to be any more miserable. He really hated beige. Still, walking through the marketplace, anonymous and free, sent his heart racing, like walking off a cliff edge. There was no one waiting for him at home, no one to worry about or to do chores for. But it wasn't very long before he was looking out for the bus again.   
  
The next town along was plain terrible, worse than the first one. He didn't stay long. So was the one after that: the people there really had a problem with his red hair and eyes, and anyway the bars were all crappy. He got on another bus.   
  
The towns got smaller and further apart and at each place there was always something he didn't like. The bars, the women, the men, the look of the place, either too big or too small, the way he got spat on in the street. He couldn't settle and all the time he felt like he was dragging something along behind him. It carved a groove in the dusty road and dug into his skin. It hurt like fuck.   
  
One day, in another nowhere town somewhere in the mountains, he met a young man selling dumplings. He was short and strong with an open face and a bright smile. He looked like the sort of man Goku would have become.   
  
'Hey, Mister, try one of these. They're delicious!' he called out.   
  
Grief caught up with him, made him perfectly empty inside and he left that particular place on foot, in the rain and not even bothering to find wheels. He tried not to think of Sanzo, tried doubly hard not to think about Hakkai and the reasons why he might've left. In a competition between who needed him more, even Gojyo could see that Sanzo could lay a straight flush on the table.  
  
Today's ride smelled of goats. He gazed out at the hilly farmland with its neat squared off fields and could only think how empty it was. The sun was setting and they were headed straight into its dazzling gold light. The same feeling he'd had with almost-Goku came back and he put his head in his hands, hiding his eyes. He needed to get himself together.   
  
'You okay?' the driver asked. 'Bet you got a hangover huh? Sure stink of beer.'   
  
The driver smelled of something even worse, goats and human sweat mingled, but he had cigarettes and was friendly enough. Too friendly, judging by the hand that landed on his thigh. He pushed it off and they rumbled through the vast, empty land in silence.  
  
Hakkai, he thought, half asleep, come back and find me.  _Please_.  
  
*  
  
The next town was okay, with neatly swept streets, a river that curved around the edge of the town and a busy, shady square lined with stalls and shops and bars. It was a friendly place, big enough to hide in, small enough to get to know people. After a day or three, Gojyo thought he might stay for a bit.   
  
The bars were good and there was even one that was willing to give him a job. He liked it there-- no one picked fights with him over his hair colour and when women mentioned it he found that these days he could shrug it off with a laugh. Eventually they stopped mentioning it. He got a house on a quiet lane and woke up every morning alone in his bed; it wasn't bad, having all that space and quiet.  
  
'Why's a cute thing like you always goin' home alone, Gojyo?' his boss would ask, squinting her eyes at him with a wrinkled, sharp smile. He didn't have much of an answer, at least, not one he was ready to admit to, to himself or anyone.   
  
'I'm just too dangerous, baby,' he'd say with a grin and usually she'd laugh and pinch him on the backside. Sometimes, some rainy days, he must've sounded weird, because those times she'd just look at him and reach out to touch his hair.   
  
'Heh. Things'll get better,' she'd say.   
  
Every day he went to work and every night he came home and sat in the little house he was renting. It was a lot like his old house, three small rooms and a bathroom that was small but not yet mouldy. But it was sunny and clean. Somehow he managed to keep it that way too, sort of. It wasn't to Hakkai's standards, but what ever would be? The heated rush of bile and anger that suddenly came made him clench his fists until his fingers ached, sometimes even his shakoujou appeared, like he was a kid and had no control over it, and he had visions of rattling chains and blood everywhere; his old life. Their old life. Then he'd get even angrier. They weren't joined at the hip for fuck's sake. Who cared where Hakkai went? They were friends. Friends got by without each other sometimes. Gojyo didn't need him anyway.  
  
He'd saved a bit of money working at the bar and he decided to use it to hire the local schoolteacher to come round and give him lessons in reading and writing. He could make something of himself. There wasn't much fighting to be done anymore. It was time he did something with his life. He tidied up particularly carefully on the day of his first lesson, not thinking about why his palms were so sweaty, or why he made sure he put a clean shirt on.   
  
'Hello. I'm Chen Li, from the local school.'   
  
'You're younger than I thought you'd be,' Gojyo blurted.   
  
Chen Li smiled at the rudeness and raised his eyebrows, and the sight of it made Gojyo want to slam the door in his face. His chest tightened alarmingly, but he managed a smile, and then some polite chit chat. He made it through most of the lesson without swearing, much.   
  
Twice a week, on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, Chen Li would knock on the door and Gojyo would learn things: reading, grammar, some maths, which he was good at. Chen Li smiled and said it was probably down to his gambling habits and he found himself going red, quite inexplicably. The time came when Gojyo would find himself picking up a book instead of going out, and he'd spend all day and all night reading, with a can of beer perched on the chair arm and the ashtray filling up more slowly than usual.   
  
Time passed. Asuka, a girl from the bar where he worked, came over sometimes and they fucked. She had a mass of glossy black hair, an extremely busy social life and few demands outside of regular sex, which suited Gojyo fine.   
  
He had lots of time to himself and he ended up thinking about things, a lot. He thought about his mother, and Jien as he used to be. He thought about Goku and how he'd always felt like a missing piece of Gojyo's life. He even thought about Sanzo. In truth, he thought about Sanzo a lot and why it was that some parts of the complicated things Gojyo felt for him could be called love. It made him laugh when he first thought it, but then not so much when he considered he'd probably never see Sanzo again.   
  
He went to work. He came home. He had his lessons and saved money. One day in summer, on an impulse and without thinking too much about it he got his hair cut. It felt good to have a breeze on his bare neck, even if the breeze was as hot as everything else. The girls in town yelled at him for it but they liked to run their fingers over the short hair and laugh, so he couldn't complain too much.   
  
Chen Li had been coming for half a year and Gojyo was thinking that, even though he didn't need the lessons, he liked them. There was a feeling he got when he saw Li's smile and the man's quiet presence was soothing. He never asked personal questions and Gojyo had never told him about his life before coming to the town. They were having tea one afternoon, talking about nothing in particular. Gojyo enjoyed listening to Li's soft laugh and his comments about the town mothers.   
  
'Gojyo,' Li said, putting his cup down. 'There's something I'd like to ask you.'  
  
'I can smoke outside, if you like.'  
  
'No, not that. One of the teachers is leaving soon.'  
  
'So you'll be busier then?'   
  
Maybe he was going to say there'd be no more lessons. That was okay, he thought. He didn't need them, and hadn't for months. He swallowed down his disappointment.  
  
'Well, hopefully not.'  
  
'You've found someone already?'  
  
'Oh, yes, I think so. Gojyo,' he said, smiling wider at Gojyo's blank look, 'You. I think you'd make a good schoolteacher.'  
  
Gojyo dropped his cigarette and ash spilled onto the wood. He scooped it up with his fingers, not looking at Li.   
  
'No way,' he said.  
  
'Why not?' Li said, sounding like he'd been expecting this answer. 'You get on very well with children. They listen to you. I've seen them.'   
  
'Only in the best ways to steal apples and to roll cigarettes. Anyway, I don't know how to teach 'em anything useful.'  
  
'Of course, we'll provide training.'  
  
'No.' Gojyo shook his head. It was a stupid idea. 'Look. Thanks, but if you knew some of the things I'd done-- Nah. It's not me.'  
  
'Gojyo,' and his voice was gentle, reproving, a tone so familiar that Gojyo wanted to run out of the room, out of the house, go and get lost in a bottle or between someone's thighs. This was a mistake. 'Maybe you'd enjoy it too. Did you think of that?'  
  
'I already  _know_  what I enjoy.' Li raised an eyebrow and looked away, appearing to watch the sunlight fluttering bright gold through the leaves outside the window. His face was stern and unhappy. Gojyo put his head in his hands and wondered if all schoolteachers were like this, or had he just been unlucky? Or lucky.   
  
Li put a hand on his arm. 'Gojyo, are you all right?'  
  
'Look. I'll think about it. Okay?'   
  
Li gave him a little smile and patted his shoulder encouragingly.   
  
'Do you want more tea?' Gojyo asked, shoving away from the table.   
  
He didn't know why he was bothering to lie. He wouldn't think about it at all. It was a stupid idea and now he was angry at Li for suggesting it. He had to get up, do something, maybe be rude enough to make Li go away. In the end he just made him more tea.  
  
Li came back a few days later.  
  
'I haven't decided yet,' Gojyo said.   
  
'No, I never expected you to have,' and Li gave him another of those wide, sweet smiles. He was carrying a bunch of sweet smelling pink flowers.  
  
'Come in anyway, then. What are they for?'  
  
'I picked them on the way. I thought they'd look nice on your kitchen table.'  
  
'Oh. Uh, thanks.'  
  
'Gojyo,' Li began, a little later when they were both seated. 'There's something else I've been meaning, no, wanting to say to you. For a quite a while.'  
  
Li put his hand on Gojyo's and gazed at him with dark, serious eyes. There was a question in them and it was very easy to read, suddenly. If Gojyo were honest, it had been there for a while. His answer, he knew instantly, was going to be no. He looked down at their hands, lying one on top of the other on the cheap table top.  
  
'Hey. Sorry, man, I'm not into that sort of thing.' It was crude and Gojyo knew it. His face went hot with shame as Li's smile drooped and faltered. Li's hand jumped off his. It also wasn't true and it hadn't been for a long time, not since-- He shut his eyes very briefly and saw Hakkai's face. When had he started to lie about this shit anyway? 'I'm sorry,' he said again, daring a look.   
  
'No, I'm sorry, Gojyo. Can we not speak of it?'   
  
'If that's what you want.'  
  
'No.' Li smiled again, sadly. 'I should've known better.' He looked at Gojyo then. 'But think about the job, please.'  
  
He tried not to think about the job or about Li. Instead he thought about getting back on the bus. It rattled through town every week or so. It would be easy to get on, go somewhere new and begin all over again.  
  
He invited Asuka over that night and tried not to think about anything but her soft skin and warm arms. It didn't exactly work.  
  
'What's wrong, Gojyo?' she asked, as the first birds began singing outside. 'I get the feeling you're not with me at all.' She turned on her side to study his face.  
  
He ran his hands over her breasts and the curve of her waist and had no idea what to say to that that wouldn't sound like a lie.   
  
'It's not you. It's me,' he said, finally.  
  
Asuka rolled her eyes. 'Yeah, okay.' She turned away and began to gather her clothes. 'Let me know when you've sorted your pretty head out,' she said. 'But I won't hold my breath,' then leaned in and kissed him.  
  
'Hey,' he called, but she was gone, door banging and heels tapping down the path. He flopped back onto the pillows.   
  
Leaving would be so easy, much easier than just living here, pretending he wasn't waiting for someone he didn't think was ever coming to find him. He even got up and packed a bag, until he thought about what would happen in the next town, then the one after that and then the next one. A long line of stops with nothing to be found at any of them but the same Sha Gojyo. The next day he knocked on Li's door.   
  
'I'll take it,' he said, and then he kissed him.   
  
*  
  
It wasn't a bad life, being Sha-sensei. He couldn't get used to children calling him that, or their parents being eager to talk to him about classes. Sometimes he still forgot himself and swore, making the kids shriek and giggle, but mostly it was okay. Li taught him a lot, and not all of it to do with teaching. Li liked to kiss him, and sometimes after sex they would lay for hours in Li's bed just kissing each other, and Li would trace the scars on his body and not ask.   
  
The days went fast, but under them there was always a steady, faint ache that he mostly ignored:  _come and find me again_.   
  
'Let's not,' Li said to Gojyo, one day a few months later, holding his hand tightly. 'I don't think you want this. Me,' he corrected.  
  
He'd expected this, and Li was right after all, but it didn't make it hurt less.   
  
Hakkai must have had his reasons. Gojyo thought about that a lot. Going away with Sanzo, leaving him-- it must've been something he had to do. Hakkai didn't do things for no reason. Gojyo's mind worked over everything with the rigour of a general marshalling his troops for battle, calculating; clicking though likelihoods, questions, answers and things they'd never talked about that Gojyo only guessed at. They were bitter thoughts: Gojyo didn't matter. Hakkai wanted or needed other things more. Gojyo deserved to be left.   
  
Behind these, less coherent thoughts lingered in disorder: the exact shade of Hakkai's eyes and the sound of his laugh when he wasn't being polite. Had he replaced that cracked eyeglass yet, and did it still sit so that it made a little groove in the skin on bridge of his nose-- something you never saw unless you happened to be there to see him take it off last thing at night. He remembered Hakkai once saying  _my heart's too small_. Maybe it was, all along.   
  
Some nights he walked to the woods a mile or so out of town. Once there he summoned his weapon and swung and sliced until his muscles screamed and he was panting and sweaty. Over the months he'd managed to create quite a large clearing among the delicate birch saplings and the dogwood. It didn't help much and he stopped going there.   
  
He was coaxing burnt eggs out of his frying pan one autumn evening when there was a knock at the door. He'd been thinking about Hakkai, wondering in a vague background way where he was and if he was okay and that he'd really like his eggs the way Hakkai used to do them. When he opened the door, it seemed like he'd dropped out of the sky in answer to Gojyo's thoughts.   
  
Jeep piped at him from his perch on Hakkai's shoulder, his pink mouth opening wide in greeting.   
  
'Hello, Gojyo,' said Hakkai. The setting sun threw slanting shafts of light along the road behind him, outlining in crimson the sharp tips of his ears and his long hair. Dark vines wound over his hands and licked across one cheek. 'I'm back.'  
  
*  
  
Gojyo's heart was thudding so hard he was beginning to feel short of breath. Hakkai moved slowly around his house, staring at the furniture, the little bookcase over by the window, the kitchen table, and every few moments he would glance over to Gojyo as if to check he was still there. His hair fell over his eyes and he kept shaking it away. He wore a long, dusty coat that Gojyo had never seen before. He looked like a stranger.  
  
'Are you okay?' Gojyo stammered, into the silence that was like a physical pain in his chest.  
  
Hakkai picked up an empty, cleaned ashtray and stared at it so hard Gojyo wondered if he was going to check the surface for dust.  
  
'I don't know,' said Hakkai.  
  
'What happened?'   
  
'Nothing unusual,' Hakkai said. He stalked over to Gojyo and stood in front of him. His gaze was clear and unreadable. 'Is it difficult for you, seeing me like this?' he said. His claws hung at his sides, twitching a little.  
  
'No,' Gojyo said. His throat felt impossibly tight and it came out as a hoarse whisper. He couldn't tell if he was lying or not. What he really wanted to ask was  _why?_  but it wouldn't come out. Hakkai was staring at him and he forced down the urge to back away.   
  
'You've changed,' Hakkai said, quite flat, as if he couldn't possibly be wrong.  
  
'You too,' Gojyo said.   
  
Hakkai's hair tumbled over his bad eye, even long it still had the lopsided edges that meant he'd cut it himself in the mirror. Gojyo could imagine him doing it, standing in some dingy hotel bathroom, alone. The battered eyeglass was gone and so were the three dull silver clips that had pinched the skin on his round, human ear, making it slightly red. There were faint new lines around his eyes and his bones were sharper. Youkai markings crawled all over his skin.   
  
Hakkai nodded. 'But only a little.' His eyes were infinitely dark.   
  
'Why have you come back?' Gojyo blurted, then winced. He couldn't think what else to ask, apart from 'why did you go?'  
  
Hakkai pulled away and looked at him, and his eyes were suddenly very sad.   
  
'Sanzo's very well,' Hakkai said, ignoring his question His voice was deeper and the sound of it made the hairs rise on the back of Gojyo's neck.  
  
'Where is he?'  
  
'I have no idea, now. He said he wanted to go further west.'  
  
'Further west? What for? Did he run out of people to shoot?' Gojyo said, managing a weak grin.  
  
Hakkai's smile made Gojyo want to back away again, or pull him close.   
  
'He said it was none of my business,' Hakkai said. 'You know what he's like. He's a lot better,' Hakkai added, in a soft rasp.  
  
Better. Hakkai turned away.  
  
'You have books?' Hakkai said, staring at the neatly arranged shelf that stood by the window. He sounded surprised, which stung. 'I didn't think you—that you read.'   
  
'Like you said, I changed,' he said. It came out sounding more bitter than he intended.   
  
Gojyo made tea, for something normal to do, while Hakkai's youkai presence made his back prickle with sweat. They sat opposite each other at the table. He stared at the faded coffee rings on the table top and watched Hakkai under his lashes as he delicately picked up his tea cup and sipped, claws clicking against the china. His coat sleeves fell back and Gojyo could see the vines going all the way round his wrists. Hakkai watched him back quite openly.   
  
'We walked from the town square as it's such a lovely evening. I do like this town. It's very-- tidy,' Hakkai growled.   
  
'There's at least twenty seven by-laws about dropping litter,' Gojyo said, managing to keep his voice relaxed.   
  
'It doesn't sound like your kind of place,' Hakkai said, then fell quiet, staring into his tea cup. His hair was thick and wild-looking and fell over his face, hiding his eyes. Gojyo strained to see the Hakkai he remembered, and he was there in flashes, the same way of sipping tea, the same mouth and straight nose, the same serious gaze. But instead of pale skin there were dark vines, and slender pointed ears jutting out from his hair, and the hint of long teeth when he opened his mouth to drink or speak. It was dizzying, trying to see a face that wasn't there. It was Hakkai and yet not Hakkai.   
  
Gojyo wondered if he was going mad. Maybe this was a joke and soon Hakkai was going to explain everything, like why he'd left Gojyo behind, and why he'd suddenly come back, and why he was walking around as a youkai like he didn't give a shit.   
  
'So,' Gojyo began, then stopped. He was supposed to have got over this, over Hakkai leaving. He really thought he had. He had his own life. A hot spike of anger stabbed through him.  _Yeah, right. Look at you now._  He watched Hakkai sip his tea and he wondered how he was ever going to forgive him. He decided he didn't even want to try, not right now. 'What's up with the limiters?' he said. The words were sharp and bitter on his tongue, like broken glass. 'It's not like you.'   
  
'Sanzo took them off me,' Hakkai said, looking away. 'Initially.'  
  
'What the fuck? Why?'  
  
 _Sanzo_. Nausea rolled in Gojyo's stomach.   
  
'I'm not sure,' Hakkai said, with a curve of lips. His claws made tiny scraping noises on his teacup. 'But afterwards I kept them off.' He looked up at Gojyo then. His eyes were sharp and green and brilliant Gojyo felt exposed and naked under their gaze. 'It seemed more-- natural.'  
  
Natural. Hakkai's face was shadowed and unhappy.  
  
'Hakkai-- '  
  
'I think I lost myself,' Hakkai said, in a low, raw voice. 'Many times over. Sanzo could see it,' he said, his voice getting stronger. 'Before he left, he made sure to tell me I was an idiot, and then he took them off me. Don't be too hard on him. We both changed very much.' His smile was painful to see.   
  
'But going away, all that - I kinda thought you were healing yourself, or some shit like that.'   
  
'No, the healing was for Sanzo,' Hakkai said.  
  
'What?' Gojyo said, softly. 'So... you only went for him?'  
  
'What else would ever cause me to leave?'  
  
'I-- I guess I thought you wanted to.'  
  
'You didn't stay,' Hakkai said, spreading his claws out on the table, palms flat. 'I couldn't find you, when I got back. I've been looking for such a long time,' he whispered, then covered his face with his hands.   
  
'Hakkai,' Gojyo said, feeling helpless. He thought back to the day he'd burnt his landlady's furniture, and the sharp smell of wood smoke and burning cloth. 'I wasn't gonna stay in the same place forever. I didn't even know if you were coming back.'  
  
'But I did,' Hakkai said, gazing up at him and in his eyes Gojyo could see the Hakkai he knew, soft and pleading. 'I'm here.'   
  
'Yeah,' he said, because he had to say something. He couldn't deal with this. 'I've got to go out.'  
  
'Now?' Hakkai said. His mouth hung open a little.   
  
'Just-- for a while. Yeah. I've… got a date,' he said. 'Can't let her down, you know. It'd be rude.' He felt sick.  
  
'Don't let me stop you,' said Hakkai, staring at him.   
  
His mouth hardened and his claws tapped on the table. It didn't sound like a figure of speech, but like he really meant it.  
  
'Uh. Right.'  
  
Shit. Gojyo's heart was thumping hard and his palms were sweating and he wondered how much more he could hate himself.   
  
'Stay,' he blurted. 'I mean, you can stay, if you want. There's food and stuff - a spare bed. Do whatever you like. Just - yeah, stay.' and then he was backing out of the door, Hakkai's green eyes fixed on him, unblinking.   
  
He just needed to be away, right now, away from the solid reality of this new Hakkai, the look and smell of him, so unfamiliar. Gojyo ran.   
  
*  
  
'You left your visitor at home?' Asuka said in dramatic tones of shock, plonking a beer down in front of him.   
  
A few of the regulars laughed. Gojyo should've known; gossip was the favourite town pastime.   
  
'He's tired,' Gojyo said. Everyone was listening and he wished he'd picked somewhere more anonymous to drink tonight.   
  
'If he's handsome, make sure you bring him in tomorrow night,' she said, with a sharp smile.   
  
Gojyo took his drink over to a corner table and sat with his back to the room.   
  
It was much later and he'd had six bottles, which was a big mistake on a work night. He knew exactly when Hakkai came in because everyone went quiet. There were footsteps behind him and then Hakkai's hand on his shoulder.  
  
'Was it a date with a bottle of beer?' Hakkai said, bending to murmur in his ear.   
  
'I'm sorry.' He didn't know what else to say. Reasons and excuses piled forward. 'Sorry,' he repeated, instead.   
  
'No, please. It's my fault.'  
  
Hakkai slipped into the seat opposite and Gojyo stared, because it was  _Hakkai_ , with three silver cuffs gleaming on the rim of his ear. Gojyo swallowed the sudden pain in his chest and took a drink to hide his shaking hands and that he was staring. It was Hakkai, here, after all this time. He was wearing that smile, the one that said he knew exactly what Gojyo was thinking. He didn't trust himself to speak. Hakkai beckoned the waitress with one finger.   
  
'It was a shock for you,' Hakkai said. 'I should've let you know I was coming.'  
  
'S'alright. '  
  
'But-- '  
  
'It's okay, I said,' he said, too loudly.   
  
He was sure more than one set of eyes were trained on them, eating up in the scene. The beer he'd drunk was sour on his tongue and pain needled somewhere behind his left eye. Asuka shimmered over.  
  
'Wine, please, Miss,' Hakkai said.  
  
'You shouldn't be saying sorry to me,' Gojyo said, when she'd gone. 'You coming back, it's just a surprise, that's all.' He picked at the label on his beer, concentrating on that to stop himself falling into Hakkai's soft green gaze. It was like some kind of magnet, or something. Shit. 'I'd kind of got to thinking that-- '  
  
'-- that I might not?' Hakkai finished, when Gojyo stopped.  
  
'Maybe, yeah.'  
  
There was a long silence.  
  
'I should've told you I was coming back. I didn't think.'   
  
'Why would you? You didn't tell me you were going till you went,' Gojyo said.   
  
'I'm sorry, Gojyo. Please, you must believe me.'   
  
'I woulda come too,' he said, shocked at hearing himself say these things, after them being locked inside for so long.   
  
'It's better you didn't.' The wine had made Hakkai's cheek's flush a little. 'I didn't want you to.'  
  
That hurt. It really hurt. The anger that had been buried for too long shook its way through him. 'What the fuck do you mean?'  
  
'I wanted to know if I could live by myself.'  
  
'But you had frickin'  _Sanzo_!'   
  
'Perhaps. But I didn't need him, not like I need-- ' then Hakkai stopped and closed his mouth with snap.   
  
He sat back and Gojyo watched his features settle back into the calm mask he knew so well. Gojyo leaned back and took a shaky breath.   
  
'So, you did okay? On your own?'  
  
Hakkai laughed a little. It hurt Gojyo's ears.   
  
'Since the Three Aspects cut up Sanzo's credit card, I was required to gamble for our daily expenses.'  
  
'You're kidding. Every day?'  
  
'It's no more than you've done, for pleasure.'  
  
'But it's different; you're not me. That lazy bastard. I'll kill him!'  
  
'There's no need. I quite enjoyed it. I rarely had to cheat and it was only occasionally necessary to subdue poor losers. We almost never went without, in many things,' Hakkai said, picking at his sleeve. 'You've cut your hair,' Hakkai went on.   
  
'I wanted a change.'  
  
Hakkai nodded. Gojyo put a hand to the bare nape of his neck and rubbed the short hairs there. Hakkai's eyes tracked the movement, just as they tracked everyone in the room, but they lingered on him most of all and Gojyo was acutely aware of it. It struck him he had no idea what Hakkai's life had been like for the past two years.  
  
'It seems you've done well for yourself here. I'm glad,' Hakkai said.   
  
'I've got friends here. A job too,' he said, watching for Hakkai's reaction. 'In a school. A teacher.'  
  
Hakkai stared, then put his glass down carefully. 'That's-- wonderful,' he said, although his smile was stiff. 'I expect the children like you very much. Unlikely as it first sounds, I'm sure you're very good at it.' He smiled properly, warm and real and then it was Hakkai, right there with him, the Hakkai he knew. Gojyo fought the urge to suddenly fling himself across the table and wrap his arms around him.  
  
Gojyo wondered what was showing on his face, because Hakkai reached over and put his hand on Gojyo's wrist. His palm was warm and a little damp. 'Gojyo,' Hakkai said, leaning forward. 'I had to go.'   
  
'But why?' Gojyo said, wincing at how small his voice sounded.   
  
'Because he  _asked_  me,' Hakkai said.   
  
'That's all?'  
  
'Isn't it enough?'  
  
His fingers curled tight over the bones in Gojyo's wrist and quite suddenly Gojyo wanted to be out of here. He pulled away and scrubbed his hands over his eyes. Under his palms they stung and watered. He rubbed at his face, ran his hands through his clipped hair, anything not to have to look at Hakkai right now. It was too much. Breathing made his chest ache.   
  
'Gojyo,' Hakkai said, impossibly gently.  
  
'Can we just go? Please?'  
  
They didn't speak much on the way home but the silence was lighter somehow and Gojyo didn't mind it so much, although it kept freaking him out see Hakkai right there next to him, or just to see Hakkai at all. He had to keep looking over to check he was still really there. Hakkai stayed close by his side and their shoulders bumped as they walked.  
  
Back home, he helped Hakkai set up the futon in the small living room and dug out some blankets that didn't smell too musty. Gojyo knew he should go to bed and try to sleep, but he hung around. He watched out of the corner of his eyes as Hakkai got ready for bed, stripping down to his t-shirt and jeans. He looked diminished, somehow, standing by the bed with his flannel and toothbrush.   
  
'Is there something you want to ask me?' Hakkai said, finally.   
  
'No. Yeah, well. I was wondering,' he began, feeling his face heat, 'why you put them back on again.'  
  
'You mean these?' Hakkai said, running a finger over his ear. 'They do feel a little odd after all this time.'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
'You seemed… uncomfortable before. It's a shock to see me like that, I know,' Hakkai said. 'I remember.'   
  
No, that wasn't right. It wasn't the youkai part that had shocked him, he wanted to say, except he couldn't. It was everything, maybe even Hakkai coming back at all. Gojyo shut his eyes briefly, feeling like the world's biggest fool. He opened them again to see that Hakkai was much nearer than he remembered. He'd put his flannel and toothbrush on the bed.  
  
'Well, maybe it was a bit of a shock,' he said, then swallowed. 'But you don't have to wear them just for me,' he said, watching as Hakkai fingered them again. He'd never seen him touch them like that before, so casually.  
  
'Don't I?' Hakkai said.   
  
He sounded lost for a moment and Gojyo wondered how it must've felt to see his own changed face for the first time. It must've been back when they were first living together, on his own in Gojyo's cramped bathroom, his teeth and claws reflected back in the cheap wooden mirror, the one that sprouted mushrooms on its frame in the damp summer months.  
  
'Are you angry with me?'   
  
Hakkai shook his head, smiling softly. 'No, of course not.'  
  
Hakkai was near enough now that Gojyo could smell bath soap and clean skin and something else; Hakkai-smell. He breathed in and his pulse sped up. Hakkai's gaze was so sharp he could feel it all over his skin.  
  
'So… what I mean is, you can take them off again if you want,' Gojyo said. Hakkai was looking into his eyes and his throat was suddenly very dry. 'Just take them off,' he said, forgetting to make it a question.  
  
'No,' Hakkai said, shaking his head.   
  
He smiled very gently. Gojyo blinked.   
  
'What?'  
  
'You do it,' Hakkai said.  
  
His face was burning hot but his fingers were moving before he knew what he was doing. Hakkai slowly let his eyes fall shut. They were surprisingly hard to take off but he didn't dare ask if it hurt. He didn't dare say anything as his damp fingers worried at them, tugging them. The first one came off and Hakkai gasped. At the second one his body stiffened and his tongue came out to lick his lips. Gojyo's palms were slipping with sweat as he prised the third one free. He clenched them in his palm so that the sharp edges bit in. Hakkai shimmered and groaned deep in his chest, then bent over as if in pain. He straightened slowly.   
  
Gojyo looked at him. He let himself look, as he hadn't dared before. His eyes were still beautiful, long lashed and as green as leaves in mid-summer. His youkai markings weren't black, this close, but a deep dark brown, the same colour as his hair.  
  
Gojyo didn't think about it too much. He leaned forward and put his arms round Hakkai's neck, just lightly. He almost sobbed with relief when arms came round his waist and pulled him in tight.  
  
'Oh, Gojyo,' Hakkai said, burrowing his face into Gojyo's neck and squeezing tighter, almost lifting him off his feet. 'Gojyo. I wanted to come back.'  
  
''S'okay,' he said, feeling Hakkai's hot damp breath on his neck as Hakkai crushed him close. Wet trickled onto his neck. He stroked Hakkai's thick, soft hair and held him tighter and felt Hakkai shake against him.  
  
He couldn't tell exactly when it changed from comfort to something else, but they stayed locked together for a long time, until it became far too long for just a hug. Gojyo became aware of every curve and bump of Hakkai's body where it was pressed tight to his, every tiny movement they made against each other, and the way Hakkai pressed even closer and sighed into his neck, shifting against him and leaning more heavily. Hakkai's palms slowly spreading up the curve of Gojyo's back, then back down, further down until they reached the base of his spine and came to rest just above his ass. Gojyo held his breath, hardly daring to move. He could tell himself he wasn't expecting this, but he was. Hakkai's mouth was pressed to his skin, creating a hot, damp pool of breath in the well of his neck and surely he must be able to feel Gojyo's heart pounding against his chest.  
  
'Gojyo,' he said, and it wasn't a question, wasn't anything but Hakkai saying his name, whispering it into his skin.   
  
No one had ever said his name like that before. Hakkai growled low and soft in his throat and his hands shifted, Gojyo could feel the heat of them through his clothes, sliding round to cup the curves of his buttocks. Quite deliberately, Hakkai squeezed and pulled him closer. It was just a little, but enough so he could feel the hot length of Hakkai's erection pressing against his own. Under his hands Hakkai shivered and Gojyo found he absolutely could not move, he could only lean against him and cling onto his neck.  
  
Hakkai lifted his head, cheek soft against his, so incredibly gentle. His hair tickled Gojyo's skin.   
  
'I should let you go to bed,' Hakkai said, sounding like he was shaping each word very carefully. His hands didn't move until Gojyo pulled away.  
  
'Yeah,' Gojyo said. His mouth was dry and it came out as a rusty croak. His dick ached and he couldn't quite bear to meet Hakkai's gaze. 'Uh. Look. I'll be getting up early for work. Sorry if I wake you up.'  
  
Gojyo tried not to stare at the patterns on Hakkai's skin where they wound snake-like round his neck, dipping down into his shirt over his shoulders and chest.   
  
'That's all right. I'm used to it.'  
  
In bed he listened to the unfamiliar noises of someone else in the house. The gurgle of pipes in the bathroom and the soft opening and closing of doors. The creaking of the futon and the click as Hakkai switched the lamp off, which must mean he was settling down to sleep. Gojyo's hand slid down to his cock, which was still painfully hard, and thought about Hakkai's mouth and his hands. It seemed like a long time later that Gojyo finally drifted off, imagining Hakkai smiling and dangerous in some shitty inn, winning money for food. He thought of Hakkai out there on the futon, waiting.  _I missed you_ , he thought, just before he fell asleep.  
  
*  
  
The kitchen chair creaked as he sat down to tie his boots next morning. The sleeping figure on the futon muttered something and turned over, long hair tumbling in a mess, then Hakkai opened his eyes. He looked sleek and warm and sleepy.  
  
'Gojyo,' he mumbled. 'What time is it? Where are you going?'  
  
'Sshh,' Gojyo whispered, going over and leaning down. 'Go to sleep. I'll be back about four.'  
  
'Mmmm, good,' and he smiled up at Gojyo. It was wide enough that his sharp eye-teeth showed. It was the first smile Gojyo had seen on his face since he'd shown up. 'I'll cook you something,' he murmured, and then he was asleep again.   
  
Gojyo thought about it for a moment, then leaned down and kissed his cheek.   
  
'You'd better,' he muttered.  
  
It was a cold morning and the sun was sharp and bright on the early frost, but he walked up the lane glowing. Li was waiting for him at the school gate.   
  
'I hear you have a visitor,' Li said, once they were inside, drinking coffee in the teachers' room.   
  
'Oh, yeah. He's an old friend. We go way back, you know.'  
  
'Ah. Your old life, the one that you keep so closed-mouthed about.'  
  
'I do not.'  
  
'Is he staying long?' Li asked, ignoring him.  
  
'I don't know,' said Gojyo.  
  
He didn't want to think about that. He could get back and Hakkai could be gone again. He remembered Hakkai shivering in front of him last night as he changed from man to youkai. He realised Li was watching him.   
  
'Are you all right, Gojyo?'   
  
'Fine. I'm completely fine.'   
  
*  
  
Hakkai wasn't there when he got in. The bed in the living room had been put away and Gojyo's pillows put back on his bed. He checked all the rooms, making himself not run. He found the note propped up against the tin of coffee on the counter and had to sit down because his legs were shaking.   
  
 _Back soon_ , it said, in a messier hand than Hakkai's usual one. It must be hard clutching a pen with nails like that.   
  
He leaned on the table and put his head in his hands.   
  
Hakkai came back quite a while later. He made a strange sight, familiar and domestic carrying bags of shopping, but this wasn't the Hakkai he remembered. The old one didn't usually stalk along in that predatory way and didn't have claws that ripped through cheap plastic bags. They rustled as he put them on the table.   
  
'You didn't have to get all this,' Gojyo said, peering in them. Flour, onions and tomatoes, a bag of salt, celery, some sort of muddy root vegetable, a paper bag of apples and a box of tea. Bottles of beer and wine, and two wet, glossy trout wrapped in wax paper.   
  
'I know,' Hakkai said, taking things out one by one. 'I wanted to.' It was hard to imagine Hakkai like this, wandering about the town and shopping and chatting with locals. Scaring them, more like. 'I met some of your friends,' Hakkai said.   
  
He gave Gojyo a brief, assessing stare as he said it. Gojyo wondered what they'd thought of him, and if they'd said anything bad. Youkai weren't common any more, not since the Minus Wave. So many had died.   
  
'Have you been drinking?' Gojyo said, sniffing.   
  
'No. Well, perhaps one or two,' Hakkai rasped. 'I went into that bar again. The waitress there is very friendly. One thing led to another,' Hakkai said, shrugging.  
  
' _Asuka_?' Gojyo said. He closed his mouth after a few seconds, when he realised he was gaping. Well, shit. 'Don't tell me you and her-- ' He stopped. He didn't know this Hakkai. 'She's a nice girl, anyway,' he said, slowly. 'You could do worse.'  
  
'Ah, no, you misunderstand,' Hakkai said, with a smile that made Gojyo suspect he'd been meant to. 'She invited me to join a poker game. It was successful.'  
  
Gojyo looked at the shopping, then at Hakkai. 'So you won, yeah? You could've just asked me for money if you needed some.'  
  
Hakkai stared at his hands. 'I didn't want to burden you.'  
  
'It's not a burden. Did you think I'd say no?'  
  
Hakkai shook his head. 'I just wanted to make you something good.'   
  
*  
  
It had taken Hakkai a while to make dinner. He hadn't cooked anything for a long time, he'd admitted.   
  
'Things taste and smell stronger when I'm like this,' he said, stirring the sauce in the pan. 'Each of my senses is far more acute.'  
  
Gojyo held his breath. Hakkai had never told him anything before, not about what it was like…   
  
'Yeah?' he managed, casually. He wondered what else Hakkai could smell and remembered the sharp scent of his own come last night.   
  
'Mmm. You must get that a little, surely?' Gojyo could only nod. Hakkai held the spoon to his mouth again. 'Taste,' he said, and his eyes were on Gojyo's lips.   
  
He made Gojyo taste it again and again, but it tasted just as good every time.  
  
'So, what do you wanna do now?' Gojyo said, afterwards.   
  
'Whatever you want,' Hakkai said.   
  
Gojyo didn't let himself think about that too long. 'Cards?'   
  
'I'd like that very much indeed,' Hakkai said, looking so pleased that Gojyo was sure he meant it.   
  
It used to be good, their old routine, comfortable. Hakkai's cooking, games of cards that he mostly lost, some beers. Good enough to keep him at home.  
They played a few hands, getting into the rhythm. Hakkai won everything.   
  
'You're even better,' Gojyo said, scowling. 'How d'ya do that?'   
  
'No, I think it's that you're worse,' Hakkai said, but with a grin. He scooped the cards up.   
  
'I can't let you get away with that. Deal,' Gojyo said, lighting a cigarette.   
  
They played in silence. The moon rose, white and frozen against the velvet sky. Gojyo got up to fetch more beer.  
  
'Aren't you going to ask me what we did, all this time?' said Hakkai, quietly, when he got back. His gaze was firmly on his cards.   
  
Gojyo could think of other, better, questions, but bit his lip on them.  
  
'I dunno. Sounds as friggin' annoying as the original trip.'  
  
Hakkai laughed. 'Oh, yes, it was. We certainly weren't as happy. We made a miserable pair, I'm afraid.'   
  
'Sanzo's not exactly Mr Fun on a normal day, never mind-- ' he stopped. 'We weren't exactly happy the  _first_  time round,' he went on.   
  
'Weren't we?'  
  
'Aw, well,' Gojyo smiled and filled up Hakkai's cup. He felt almost shy as their eyes met. 'Maybe a coupla times out there it wasn't so bad. S'funny, never thought I'd say this, but I miss it sometimes.'  
  
'Me too, although I wouldn't want to take on the job of organising all three of you again.'  
  
'We were a handful, huh? Don't worry, there's no chance of that happening again.'  
  
There truly wasn't. Hakkai shook his head and didn't say anything.  
  
'Stupid monkey ' Gojyo said, after a few minutes. He put his cards down. 'I feel like something's missing all the time, you know?' he said, softly. 'I guess Sanzo feels it worse.'  
  
'Gojyo,' Hakkai said. His eyes were big and round and worried and Gojyo didn't want him to look like that, not with his marking and his teeth and his claws. It was too much.   
  
'Don't,' he muttered, and wiped at his eyes. 'I'm fine.'   
  
'Well, maybe I'm not,' Hakkai said, after a long pause. His eyes were fixed on his hand of cards, his head bent. He looked exactly like he was concentrating on the game, but his hands were shaking, just a little. 'I met your friend, Chen Li,' Hakkai said.   
  
Gojyo tried not to choke on his beer. 'You've been busy,' he said.   
  
'He came in to the bar when I was there. He thinks very highly of you,' Hakkai said. 'I don't think he thought very highly of me.'   
  
'What do you mean?' Gojyo asked, dreading the answer.   
  
Hakkai shook his head. 'I don't think he likes youkai, or this one, at least. 'How did you and Li-san meet?' he asked, very casually.   
  
The back of Gojyo's neck prickled. It was not unlike being hunted.   
  
'Ah, well. I hired Li to teach me. Writing, you know. It was like a scrawl. And how to read better,' he said.  
  
'Amongst other things,' said Hakkai. 'He told me you got on to some fairly advanced areas together, Gojyo.'   
  
'Hakkai,' Gojyo began. He didn't know what he was going to say next, but Hakkai shook his head to stop him.  
  
'Would you like to hear a story?' Hakkai said  
  
'What's it about?'  
  
'Oh, just one from my travels.'   
  
'Okay, sure.'   
  
Anything was better than Hakkai talking about Chen Li. Hakkai sat back in his chair and bit his lip, then smiled and it was wide and toothy and not a little alarming.   
  
'Our destination was Tibet. It so happened, as we neared the foothills of the Himalayas, that I began to realise that I had changed inside. It's hard to describe, but it was as if I were empty. This feeling grew stronger and stronger the further we travelled and the higher we climbed. Every day was sunny and hot, until some weeks later, when it began to rain. The hunger grew each day until I almost began to feel like I imagine Goku felt- always ravenous for something, carrying a constant hunger within me that could never be assuaged. I began to sleep less. Sometimes the nights lasted forever, or so it seemed. They were endless and very lonely. The rainy season there was very hard, as hard as it has ever been for me.'   
  
He stopped and put his cards down. Gojyo waited.   
  
'The first time it happened it surprised me, I must say. I met someone in an inn and we began to talk about this and that.' Hakkai smiled fondly. 'I remember she liked poetry and cooking and we talked for a long time. She was a youkai. A charming girl, pretty too. She was very, ah, accommodating later on that evening.'  
  
'You mean you  _slept_  with her?'   
  
As far as Gojyo knew Hakkai had never done anything like that since he'd known him. His unbelieving smile faded and without warning he was drowning in dark water, sinking fast. His stomach shrank. He wondered what was coming next. No, he knew. A pretty wife somewhere, probably, and a family to settle down with. Hakkai would want children.   
  
'Yes, I did. But not only her,' Hakkai said, and now it was possible to see that Hakkai's cheeks were tinged red under his long fringe. He bit his lip and Gojyo could see his white teeth sinking into the soft pink skin. 'With anyone I met that took my fancy and was willing.' Hakkai looked away. The corners of his mouth drew down. 'For a while I even stopped being picky about looks, but it's true I liked a certain type, lusted after them, even.'  
  
Gojyo's skin tingled. Hakkai  _lusted_. He was sure he was blushing. His face was hot. His whole body was hot. A wild dog yipped in the woods close to the house. Its high whine seemed to beg the night for something.  
  
'I had sex with very many people, once I'd begun. It was a hunger and I was starving. I was always empty, you see, even when full.' His voice shook. 'Even straight afterwards, because I never found what I needed.'   
  
Gojyo realised he was leaning forward with his mouth open. He couldn't seem to look away. Hakkai's eyes were on him. 'And what's that?' he said.   
  
Hakkai shook his head.   
  
'I should finish my story, Gojyo.'  
  
'Right. Uh. Carry on.'  
  
'I continued like this for many months. Sanzo thought it was very amusing, as far as I could tell, but then he was behaving a little strangely himself at that point.'  
  
'You don't mean he was-- ' Gojyo had to stop and shake his head before the words would come out, 'sleeping around too?'   
  
'No, but he did do some unexpected things. He gave me something to give you,' Hakkai said. 'Wait here.'   
  
Hakkai rummaged in his pack and came back with a bundle of cloth that looked strangely familiar. It fell open with a papery rustle and Gojyo stared at the green and white silk. Black lettering swam over the surface.   
  
'Is this a joke?' he stammered.   
  
'It was hard to say by that point. He said to tell you that he wanted to give it to someone who liked picking things up.'   
  
'Sounds to me like he hasn't changed a bit,' Gojyo said.   
  
'He also said it should be with someone who was too idiotic to ever be able to use it. "You're next in line now the monkey's gone",' Hakkai said, in a passable imitation of Sanzo's grumbling voice.   
  
He had to smile at that, even if it hurt. Gojyo reached out and laid his fingers on the stiff white fabric. His mouth was very dry. It didn't feel like anything special, just some cloth, although he could imagine it tingled slightly under his touch.   
  
'So, he's not a sanzo any more?'   
  
'I think he can't ever stop being one, really, but he seemed to think it was an outdated institution and it should be abolished. The temples were in uproar. I think they still are.'  
  
'He's leaving it with me for good?'   
  
'I think he might be back for it at some point. I have a feeling the Three Aspects weren't entirely happy with him.'  
  
'But he coulda just kept it in a bag and not worn it. Why send it all the way back with you?'   
  
'Maybe-- maybe he thought you could look after it better than he could,' Hakkai said, softly, after a silence.   
  
Look after it? If Sanzo thought he was gonna run around after him, even now-- He paused and looked across at Hakkai, who was studying the table top. Look after it. Oh. Huh. As if he needed telling. He put the sutra to one side.  
  
'Yeah,' he said. His throat felt tight again. 'I think I can manage that okay. Hakkai?'  
  
'Yes, Gojyo?' Hakkai said, and for all his youkai teeth and ears and scary claws, it was undoubtedly Hakkai there, the Hakkai he knew. His eyes were soft and shining.   
  
Gojyo rolled the sutra carefully and pushed it to one side of the table, far away from himself.   
  
'Let's just play cards for a while.'   
  
'That sounds like a good idea to me,' Hakkai said.  
  
Gojyo took a deep breath and dealt again, with shaking fingers.   
  
They played for hours, until Gojyo had won at least a few games and Hakkai was sleepy and yawning behind his hand. They didn't talk much. The sutra sat on the table, almost seeming to mock him. He ignored it. Later, in bed, he lay awake again and listened to the futon frame creaking as Hakkai turned over in the next room. The house was full of him, from wall to wall; his sounds and his scent. He pressed his face into his pillow and forced himself to close his eyes.   
  
He woke up at dawn and crept into the sitting room to put the sutra on his shoulders. It settled with a small rustle, almost as if it were protesting. It wasn't much of a surprise that Sanzo's sutra would be bad tempered too. It was surprisingly heavy on his bare skin and it seemed to wrap itself over him, almost clutching. He took it off quickly and folded it up, then he walked over to where Hakkai lay on the futon. Gojyo saw the pale dawn light glinting in his eyes as Hakkai watched him.   
  
'Gojyo, was I wrong to come back?' he whispered.  
  
It was cold in here and he shivered as he knelt on the futon in just his shorts. His erection was tenting them, and he felt ridiculous, but Hakkai was breathing hard. Gojyo could hear it shaking from his mouth.  
  
'No,' he said.  
  
Hakkai pulled the covers back. He was naked.  
  
'No,' Gojyo said again, and kissed him. He lay a hand along Hakkai's jaw and let his tongue trace over his lips. Hakkai made a strangled sound and his tongue licked up hot and wet into Gojyo's mouth. His hands smoothed over Gojyo's bare back and down over his hips and for a moment Gojyo felt afraid. Hakkai's claws were cool and very smooth, hardly touching him. Gojyo realised he must be taking care not to scratch his skin. He pulled back from Hakkai's mouth and drew a finger along the pointed tip of Hakkai's ear. It made Hakkai gasp.   
  
'Will you ever put them back on?' Gojyo asked.   
  
'I will, if you want it. If you want me like that,' Hakkai said. He slid a hand up into Gojyo's hair and pulled him close to kiss him. 'Anything you want,' he murmured, afterwards.  
  
'I forgot to ask you something,' Gojyo said.  
  
He was on his knees, leaning down over Hakkai. Hakkai's face was a pale blur in the dim light, but it was enough to see the dark line on his cheek and the vines that wound down over his stomach. Gojyo put his fingers to one, following its curling path down over his hip.   
  
'What's that, Gojyo?' Hakkai said. His hand was on Gojyo's waist, moving in small tight circles. His fingertips trembled as they traced over Gojyo's skin.   
  
'Are you going away again?'  
  
Hakkai shook his head. 

**Author's Note:**

> Many many thanks to Kate for her help in tirelessly betaing multiple versions of this story, and to Daegaer too, for the same. Thanks also to Emungere for very helpful comments along the way.


End file.
